What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 00:40
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
What did i know ?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is soul school!.
So, i spoilt her more .
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We all went to grammer schools
As i do to all so called friends.?
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Why did i forgive my father ?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She loved him until the end.
Put me off passion for life!!
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I think the readers, may guess!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Comes on , in middle age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She wouldn,t have been !
Especially a lifetime of it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She married twice! .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We were not on the streets..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She found it foreign!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was scared of men, in general
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I have no regrets .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I said to her
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was in good health!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It was going to be , some day.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Was to survive, this bastard.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I waited trembling.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Who then, do I blame.?
I write beautiful poetry .
When she asked me how she looked .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im still living with it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I don,t even have a pension.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But, we were locked up after school.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And i lived it daily.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My family never makes their pension either.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was seconnd youngest,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But it wasn’t much.
One cannot live in the past .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I will be 64.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My life is so biszare .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Would this be the day?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
All the time i was locked up.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ive learnt so much.
So whats the point in blame.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was very sick at this time too.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was 9 years of age.
He knew the spot.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)